Sales script rewrite: A Linkedin message redo

Transcript lightly edited:

Hey, everybody. This is Scott on a whim. I just got a Linkedin message. It was pretty typical, and I thought I’d give you a critique of it and what I might do if I was going to rewrite it. Hope it’s helpful.

So you see  that script on the web page. It starts with “Hi Scott.” Would I do that? Maybe, maybe not.

My preference is to put as little as possible between the millisecond that you enter their brain and something that matters to them. You have only a glance, a freaking glance, okay, to gain a foothold in their mind and you really want to eliminate every word that is not necessary. If I was going to use it, I would drop the “Hi” because every word matters, particularly in the beginning.

I’m, Lois Price, drop the last name. They don’t care.

And again, you are inserting something that does not [00:01:00] enable them to grasp that you might help them solve a problem they have. And particularly in a LinkedIn message, I would not put my name here.

They are scrolling. Put nothing between the millisecond you get into their brain and something that matters to them.

From DataSystems in Whoville and wanted to introduce myself. Does that provide any information as to what you do or how you might help someone? No. Plus, it is “I” oriented. No one cares about what you want, and particularly at this stage of the message, when they are clueless about what you do, they don’t care about what you want.

Our goal is to make our client’s IT experience proactive, secure, and IA ready.

So compelling. So again, with the use of “our,” the orientation is I or us rather than “you” and being prospect focused, we [00:02:00] finally learned that the company has something to do with IT. I don’t know if they sell software, equipment or service.

I have no clue if they do it for a large company. Small companies, certain industries have any type of specialty. I know nothing.

Plus, even if I had an IT need, am I likely to invest time to see if maybe, possibly, this company might help, and whether they’re worthwhile, rather than just do a Google search? Unlikely. I know nothing about their credibility, how many clients they have, results, improvements they attain, none of that’s conveyed.

So why would we expect a buyer to respond? As to the proactive, secure and AI ready? Any competitor. Any I. T. Company could say this. So it is a totally worthless statement. Plus, if you were going to be general, there are more powerful bottom-line benefits that you could use. [00:03:00]

Are you against having a short introductory call next Wednesday or Thursday?

You know, that’s okay. Depends on your personal style. Might be a winner, definitely the direction you want to go, a very light ask.

The Wednesday or the Thursday, here I would not do that. First of all, it adds a limiting parameter. They now have two things to think about. Are they against a call? And is Wednesday or Thursday okay? So I drop it.

For your time, DoorDash on me. Man really diminishes your credibility. Makes you look desperate.

Is a decision maker who can pull the plug on a two grand, four grand, five K a month service going to be swayed by a sandwich, when they are clueless about what you do and if you’re credible and dependable, I think not.

Here to serve you. Again, [00:04:00] not related to what you might do for them or conveying credibility, earning trust, just wasted words.

Plus you are taking attention away from your ask. Are you against having a short introductory call? Keep their focus on that.

So, off the top of my head, I might write something like this. And I want to give you a little preview of how I. think, I would recommend you think about when you’re writing something in this situation.

I might start with a provocative question, to earn attention. When I get that momentary glance from an active buyer, I want to immediately layer in specifics. So if, on that glance, there’s something there that makes them pause for a moment, I’m immediately going to layer in specifics about what we do, and I’m going to add a credibility statement.

So therefore, if they have a [00:05:00] need in that area, they can go, Oh, I got a problem. Oh, these people may very well be able to help me and they seem like they might be worthwhile.

I would want to include a reference to future needs because remember the odds of hitting someone at exactly the right time is low and you want to get people with future intent to sort of raise their hands out of the crowd and then always end with a soft ask.

This is how I might approach it. Quick rewrite, pretty much off the top of my head.

Will you be reviewing IT services support in the next six months?

If you are a company with 50 plus employees, seeking to improve productivity and response time, more than 536 six companies in the Whoville area have selected us to scale and achieve cost efficiencies.

We do a few things different, our clients seem to like.

We may not be a [00:06:00] fit, but if this is worth a chat now or in the future, just reply or contact me directly at 867 5309.

Lois Price
DataSystems

Here is some of the strategy behind my rewrite.

I want to if I get a glance, because they’re scrolling and if they’re focusing on your message for a split second , I want to say something that someone that has a need would say, that’s me, maybe I should look at it.

So I might start with a provocative question. Will you be reviewing IT services support?

Something specific which enables them to say, Yeah, that’s me, in the next six months. Because I don’t want to limit myself to just people who want to meet now. I know the odds of bumping into someone at the exact moment when they want to take a meeting is pretty low. So I want to expand things a bit and I’ll say over the next six months, [00:07:00]

If you are a company with 50 plus employees. So now there’s some parameters. And if I knew more about the company, if they focused on a few industries or special needs or something. I would want to be specific there.

50 plus employees seeking to improve productivity and response time.

I always like to go with benefits that I call bottom line benefits, meaning improving productivity or increasing cash flow or something like that. Seeking to improve productivity and response time. So it is general, but it’s sort of a bottom line benefit for companies.

Yeah, they want to improve productivity. And a common problem with people who change IT service vendors is response time. So I’m going to put that in.

More than five hundred and thirty six companies in the Whoville area. I want to be specific and kind of note, Hey, we’re not small time. We’re credible. A lot of, companies, with 50 plus employees have [00:08:00] looked around and looked at their options and chosen us and have selected us to scale and achieve cost efficiencies.

So again, we’ve added two more bottom line benefits. The ability to scale and to achieve cost efficiencies.

Little note here, don’t want to sound like a jerk, but do not ever say in any type of sales script that you’re going to save people money because now you sound like every other sales rep that has failed to do proper script preparation and cannot convey proper value or credibility or anything that might connote that you’re worthy of trust so because they haven’t done that preparation, they say I’m going to save you money. So don’t be that sales rep

We do a few things different our clients seem to like.

 I always like to put in a script the idea that hey we’re different. We approach things different. I [00:09:00] think it arouses curiosity in people to say, Oh, what’s this different approach? I want to check that out.

And then I always like, but not too many other people do, I always like to put a reference to say, Hey, we may not be a fit, which is the truth.

Instead of begging or, or seeming desperate for an account we’re saying, Hey, we may not be a fit. But if this is worth a chat, soft ask, that was always kind of my style, now or in the future. Remember, I want them thinking, Hey, yeah, three months I might do something six months I might do something.

And then tell them specifically what it is you want them to do. Just reply or contact me directly at phone number, put your name, Lois Price, and your company name, data systems at the end, because until they know what you do, that you might help them, and you seem worthwhile, they don’t care what your name is.

[00:10:00] So, anyway, off the cuff, hope it helps you, , best wishes.